Unthinkable.

As I was writing my last post, thinking how funny and stupid my life has been (at times) I got a call from my Groom and he told me that a baby who we saw the last time we were in Bukwini (the village we have the CSP in) has died. Just like that. We won't see her again. We won't have another opportunity to bring that family food for her. She is gone. This little perfect baby is dead. I don't even know really what to think at this point because I am swamped at the emotions flooding me. I am packing up my whole freaking life at the moment. Packing up my house to move, packing up my stuff to come to America, packing up my emotions because today I said goodbye to all my Community Care Workers and now this. THIS. Really. Really God?? Are you serious? Because I know you are God and I know I am NOT but are you going to keep allowing this crap to keep happening because I don't know how strong I can be. Really, I don't. I am not ready for these kids that I love to keep dying and starving and being ripped apart by this disease and by something that is so preventable. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Am I going to get on a plane and say goodbye for 2 months and return to the same people or will more be in the ground when I return back? Do I need to go back and say goodbye to them for good because they may not be here when I get back? I don't think I can handle that. Really God. I don't think I can do that. Please guide me, make me more then what I am...because in this state, I am loosing my mind. I didn't even know her name. She was so little. So little and perfect.

Comments

[Les]

Oh, man, Kristi. That's how it's been with Sheila and she's only been there twice for two and a half weeks at a shot. We're so not adjusted to loving somebody and losing them as almost a matter of routine. Sheila writes to her friends in Zomba not knowing whether they'll still be alive when the letter arrives.

Life is so raw, so real, and so precious in Africa. It's beyond words.

[kim Manford]

So sorry to hear about the daily things that you deal with. You and Daniel are making such a difference there, don't you forget that. Keep your chin up and know that through the trails and hard times, God is still using you to do His work. Be strong! Dang, belly laughing one minute and tearing up the next....you are something else, you know that??

[mandythompson]

i love you

[Mom]

Kristi, I'm so sorry. She was so sweet. Now, she's with Jesus in heaven and has no pain or sickness. That's what we have to hold on to. God has made you strong and has you right where he wants you. I love that you love the African people so much. I'm sorry for your heart hurting. I will hold you tight in a few days. I love you.

[alece]

can i hug you?

[Debbie K.]

Kristi: This is the first time I've read your blog. Anne's blog directed me here. Your blog, of course, moves me to tears. I still remember the first time I stood in a Chinese orphanage, looking at approximately 100 babies with one caretaker. At least one was obviously dying at the time I saw her. It was at first a very overwhelming experience, but, as always, God used it to teach me a valuable lesson. I learned that just in case I thought differently, I personally couldn't save the world. I couldn't, despite my efforts, even save that sick child. In those moments it became crystal clear to me that all I could ever do is my part. That God, who was in control of all, didn't actually need me, because I was too insufficient to meet the world's needs. But, he allowed me to do my part through Him. I would like to say that it made all the future moments less painful, but it didn't. But, he did give me peace through it. That peace carried me through a lot in my trips there. I pray that same peace for you.

[Samantha D]

I am so sorry.
I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be for you. You are doing so much good there. Please do not forget that you are making such a difference in those people's lives.

[Crystal Renaud]

urrrghhhh!! i got an email from Schaun this morning about this. completely ripped my heart out. really, God? indeed. and to hear from Schaun yesterday about our partners in Thailand and the little girls being beaten, raped and enslaved in the sex industry. it makes me sick.

the only peace i get from any of this, is that precious little girl is now with her Daddy. safe and whole.

my love to you. praying for you as you pack up your life, but i encourage you to feel and not pack away your emotions. as hard as they are to feel at times and for you, where you are, a lot of the time, emotions are what separate us from the rest of creation.

[Laura]

I'm sorry Sister. I love you!

[anne jackson]

heart.

[tam]

sigh. it just doesnt make sense on our level.

im sorry.

[Jan Owen]

Kristi, i am so sorry.

[jon mark]

Father God i pray that you would bring comfort and peace to Kristi as she travels and is away for these two months...i pray that You would remind her of the many lives that she has touched and that You have touched through her...thank You for her servant's heart and for her honesty before You!

[Michael]

My prayers go out to you and all of those that you touch on a daily basis. My prayers go out to all of those that still remain to be touch by you in the months and years to come. May you continue to have the strength to do what you are doing. I pray that God's loving arms will pull you closer as you leave for this short break, and that His loving arms will hold you each and every day.

Take care.

[Steve]

... so this would be a _really_ good time to pass along a virtual hug via Anne.

God bless...OXO

[portorikan]

I don't know what to say but I'm sorry and I pray for strength to continue to do what it is you're doing. It's valuable and worth it, and not many people are able or willing to do it.

[Schaun]

You are loved.

[Jami]

Wow, Kristi. You know that God is oddly strengthening you through this. It seems so unfair - but you are his hands and feet and you show these people love they've never known. More importantly... they know the love of Christ - through YOU. God bless you for your faithfulness and know that you are being lifted up in prayer. Sending big hugs your way. Love you both! Jami

[tawny]

Someday everything will be made right. Everything. Love you!

[Michele Helms]

I am so very sorry!!! I love the NewSong song that says..."When you can't trace His hand...trust His heart" I will lift you up!! Michele

[Ruthann Ross]

You don't know me, but I've just read your grief today and I hurt with you. Kay Warren writes in her book Dangerous Surrender about how her mission pastor comforted her in a similiar situation, "Every time that your heart breaks for a child orphaned due to Aids, know that God's heart is breaking at the same time. Every time you cry when you are with a dying man or woman, know that there are tears on God's face as well...You now get to taste just a portion of the anguish that God feels about our broken world. If you let it, this will bring you into a deeper communion with him as you begin to share in the sufferings of Christ. You have been allowed the privelege of joining in his pain and sorrow. you and Jesus will weep together. In the emotional agony I was feeling, God was inviting me to draw nearer to his heart than I ever had before. He was welcoming me into His world-to let my painful reaction to suffering take me into deeper intimacy with him by feeling what he feels."
Blessings to you for caring for the "least of these" my sister.

I have no words to give you.

Thank you for being the hands and arms of Christ to the people in this country.

I pray that God will give you peace.

[Angie]

i am praying for you today...that when you dont think you can go on one more day, or one more minute, that God's love will sustain you. I love you.

[Heather]

Thanks for being so real.