kristiapplesauce

dirty love

We were in this village up on the side of the mountain, updating kids in the CSP and as the kids were filtering in one by one this one baby was wondering in and out of the room. I asked who he was and who he belonged to. He only had a dirty shirt that looked and smelled like it hadn't been washed - ever. He looked about 2 but was the size of a 1 year old. His eyes were blank. No diaper, no love, limbs were limp. He was lethargic and empty. I scooped him up in my arms and kissed his face. I was told his mom had died last week and that his grandma was struggling to know what to do. She didn't have the resources to take care of herself let alone this baby and his older brother  - who were now her responsibility. I stripped him of his shirt and cleaned it. It took me several minutes to get the mud and dirt out and for the water to run clean. It never returned to the white it was supposed to be. We found a diaper and I called Daniel to get some clothes; he was in town getting supplies.

I keep thinking about this kid. It didn't really take much for us to love him. All it took was about an hour of my day. It took maybe $12 for 3 pairs of clothes and some shoes. It took about 6 minutes for me to wash his dirty white sleeper shirt and a little scramble to find a diaper. It took nothing for me to scoop him up in my arms and hug and kiss him. It took a little courage and strength not to holler and act like a lunatic towards the Grandma - demanding a reason why she wasn't taking better care of these kids....but then again she just lost her daughter, and I know she herself is battling hunger and possible disease and who knows what else in this village and now she is expected to raise these two kids. So yeah...I don't blame her for not knowing what to do.

So yeah. Love so many times comes crazy hard for me. I battle and fight. I don't know what to do. I find reasons and make excuses because I am busy busy busy. But God is so much more then our lame attempts at trying to be important and I am pretty certain all he wants is our hearts and this day I felt as close to Him as I have ever felt in my life. I know I didn't change this kids life or make any significant difference, but I listened and I loved. I loved this kid and I understood better how God loves me.

I hope today you (and me) are loving those we are meant to love. I am hopeful for it. Aren't you??

The Mom within

Growing up, my sister was always the one to play house. She would have her dollies and easy bake. She was domestic even at 10. I remember her room always being clean and playing dress up and all the pink girly things she would do….

Me? I am generally a messy person. I am a tomboy at heart and have really strong convictions about organization but no follow-thru. All the toys I preferred growing up were things like transformers and squirt guns. I always wanted to be outside – swimming or climbing trees. I never really saw myself with kids of my own. I just wanted to travel and kiss my husband.  

When Daniel and I moved to SA almost 3 years ago we started preparing and thinking about the idea of growing our family. Not really having a plan, we were waiting and seeing what transpired. We were/are leaning towards adoption as we see and love so many kids here that are hungry and sick – needing homes. We have made some phone calls and inquiries. Not really pushing the issue, but rather seeing if there are any open doors for us. So far, none. But God is God and He will lead us where we need to go.

As we have begun talking and thinking though this possibility of adoption, we have also started wondering if having a baby naturally was the way “to go”. Not really using birth control, we are just kinda “whatever”. If God is going to grow our family, He will. Adoption or a baby within – it’s all good.

I wasn’t really prepared for this.

So being that I never really thought of myself as the “mom type” – (whatever that is) I guess I just assumed that when “it” happened to us, we would figure it out. Like I said, I have never really thought about being a mom, or wanting kids. I wanted a transformer or a squirt gun. So when I kept getting later and later on my “lady situation” I was more and more confused…thinking “Oh…maybe God does intend for me to be a Mom after all”.  So I took a test. I took like 5. All negative.

No worries. Some people are late, right? That late? Maybe. Another test showed positive - So I went to the doctor. She did an ultra sound, another test and blood work. The ultra sound showed a little white mass and the doctor said it was where “the baby ought to be” but then both tests came back negative. A couple more days and tests – all negative and then – the crazy hit.

I will not describe to you the funky physical details of what my body is doing – but as my girlfriend was telling me over the phone “signs to look for” to identify a miscarriage – I have been experiencing all of them.

It is okay actually. I am okay. We are okay. We don’t even know if this is what is happening. Who even knows such a thing? God, right? But I am sad and that surprises me. Not because I am a monster but because I’m not the “Mom” type. I’ve never had an easy bake. I still don’t know how to cook. Our kids will probably starve.

But I do know that already I loved this, whatever…this possibility, this hope - that I shared a couple weeks with. I loved that my body changed. I loved that my heart changed. I loved that my relationship with Daniel changed and I love that my surrender to God has changed because all of a sudden in a heartbeat – my whole existence became about loving and nurturing and caring for and honoring somebody else.

Maybe God was just preparing us for the future. Maybe God knows something we don’t know. Maybe we will never know. Who knows?  Sometimes I think there are no answers…and that’s okay too.

motion

A very wise person in my life once told me…

 

“It is easier to change directions once you are already in motion.”

 

They went on to explain that if you are surrendering to and obeying the Lord with your life, then it really is harder to get going from a stand still – but if you are in motion already and if you make a mistake or need to shift your focus; you don’t have to start from stop to fix your wrongs.

 

I still think this is sound and true advice. We try to honor God and surrender our wills unto Him every single moment. We don’t always understand the path or know where we will end up, but we make corrections when necessary and keep going because they were right…it is harder and crazier and sometimes depressing to get going from a dead stop and almost always (if I’m not already moving) I end up making excuse after excuse of why I can’t do whatever it is I know I should be doing.

 

But I have realized in the last few days that sometimes it is actually better for me to halt my life to that complete stop and wait and process and control my motion because when I am speeding right past my decisions and bla bla blaing my way through – it is almost impossible to hear the directions or to know the way.

 

I know I am contradicting myself here – but sometimes there is no way around it. Sometimes you have to move and sometimes you have to wait to figure the way.

Creatures of value

It so happens that Daniel and I don't own a TV. There are no moral issues behind it, we just don't have one. So when cool American situations come up like say the Super bowl or the Oscars we have to watch clips on the Internet or we find someone who has a television. No big deal. This past week though - we were in the Wild Coast, working, and the hotel where we stayed showed the broadcast of the Academy awards a day late so BONUS! We got to watch. Yay!

Anyways I thought it was cool to see all the everythings, not really knowing what was happening because we haven't seen any of the movies that were being celebrated and then something amazing happened. A man was chosen for original screen play and his speech nearly knocked me over. He thanked his peeps for the movie and his family of course....then he went on to address all the gay and lesbian kids...he told them that they were beautiful, wonderful creatures of value and that God loved them.

I guess what struck me by his speech is that you normally don't hear those words. Those sweet tender words spoken about teenagers (unless they are your own), let alone kids who are gay and lesbian. So I was mesmerized that a "Hollywood" person got up on that stage and spoke words of hope and love to a whole community that "we" (the church) have somehow have forgotten. I felt shamed then I felt hopeful. So thank you Dustin Lance Black. God does love all those beautiful kids and they are absolutely not less then...how sad that society has made it that "they" are. I would like to say that "we" are sorry, but I can only speak for me.

I am sorry. 

renewed

We are smack in the middle of summer here in S. Africa. Daniel and I, although covered from head to toe in spf 50 sunblock everyday still manage to get burnt almost daily. So yesterday while skyping to my family, my sister had on 6 layers including a sweatshirt, and me...I was wearing a tank. So in the video, I showed off my sunburn. My Mom was not impressed. She gave me a slight lecture and told me she was worried. Yay...gotta love Mom. So I was thinking about how at this point I am either in mid-burn, or mid-peel and how most of you are wrapped tightly in your scarves and coats and how really - it isn't about how hot it is here but about like in Ephesians it talks about being renewed and putting on the "new man" - that is what if feels like. Because whenever my "new skin" comes in, I wonder if that is what God would literally have us do. Rejuvenate and allow Him to remake ourselves according to His plan, rather then our own. Just a thought.....

Ephesians 4:22-24 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

"you took off your former way of life, the old man that is corrupted by deceitful desires; you are being renewed in the spirit  of your minds; you put on the new man, the one created according to God's likeness in righteousness and purity of the truth."

   

Time, money, sacrifice

Again...those three things. So a couple of days before I left to come back here my friend Cathi emailed me and asked (per my suggestion because we had been talking about her class) if it would be okay if I would answer some questions of hers for a paper she was writing. You see, she is graduating and getting her Masters degree this semester and changing the world. Yay her. I usually try to surround myself with people smarter then me...More smart? Smartest? Nevermind. Anyways...she rocks and totally provokes incredible thought and conversation. I heart her. So when I agreed, I was not only excited about the project, but wanted to help out a friend. But silly me. Silly me. I was already in the groove of packing and saying my goodbyes so it was wild in Kristiland. I was in chaos. "No worries" I thought. I can do it. So I started the thing and put it securely in my documents folder...never to be seen from again until yesterday when I came across the email telling me that she needed it the day I left to come back to South Africa....A WEEK AGO, when the paper was due. Nice, Kristi, nice. I am on this new kick lately (in my prayer life and in my own realization of relationships) of what it takes to make relationships work and thrive. This is what I have come to understand....I am pretty sure I have said it before; but here it is: People need three components to make relationships work. Time, money and sacrifice. Either one, two, three, or a combo of the three but those things need to be in play and what they look like is up to you, but the investment and payoff is incredible....I have seen it. On the flip, when you give a half-hearted effort (like I did) or no effort (even though it wasn't intentional) the consequences are sad and people get hurt.

3-5 minutes

This missionary thing is kind of a funny situation. Daniel and I had no real job training or conversations before we left...we just felt lead to South Africa, prayed, talked to some people and God opened the doors. So when we come back to the States, part of our "job" is to talk to churches, small groups, schools (really anybody who asks)and share about what we do. I guess because it is kind of exotic to live in a different country people get all excited and ask lots of questions. Our views on it is actually quite different. We totally see our lives as fitting into the body of believers. We think of our job just like those who love people and live for the Cross here in this country everyday. We just get to do it overseas. But the funky thing we keep running into [warning...there's about to be some whining] is that some people will ask us to come and speak at their church or gathering...then follow it with something like: "we need you to fit in your update in 3-5 minutes" or they will ask us questions like "How are things going in South Africa?" and then walk away like how people say: "hi, how are you?" and not really care. For us...it isn't that simple. Or lives are a little more then 3-5 minutes and I have realized that for so long I have short changed so many people around me because I have (sad to say) been a person on my way to another somewhere or thinking 5 steps ahead....not really focusing on whatever the person I was talking to was saying.  I haven't slowed down to really, really pay attention. I know that this situation for us isn't unique because really...I know for most of you, you wouldn't be able to sum up your last year and a half of your lives in 3-5 minutes and I wonder if anybody has even given you the opportunity to share it. Dang. I am sorry.

Something lost something gained

Last year my Grandma Vicker had a double mastectomy to remove the breast cancer. She is okay now...but it has made us all a little nervous. Two weeks ago as I was getting ready for the day, I noticed something out of the ordinary on one of my breasts. I was kind of skerd. It made me realize that I had a whole lot more to loose then I was aware of or even thinking about. The scenarios started swarming. My mind went though not being able to get back to the kids right away or not at all because I would have to start treatment; would I have to shave my head? Would I be in any position to go back to South Africa to talk to my peeps back there? How much time? Where is Daniel? How would he handle loosing one or both of my boobs? How would that change our lives? How would that change our ministry? Is there a cancer ministry in SA? Is that something I am supposed to look into? We decided not to talk to anybody until I went to the doctor so NOT to create a circus around the situation. But it was a little nerve racking. I was at peace knowing my Groom and I are still one even though we are not on the same continent at the moment...but I so desired he was with me to hold my hand. Bravely, I went to the office. As I explained our family history and what was going on with my body, I felt my nerves subsiding. I knew I couldn't change the outcome. As the Dr. listened and then did then examination, he kind of smiled and then explained that I have developed a yeast infection on my breast. Most likely caused by the changes in my diet (since I am eating different foods on this side of the world). Funny that. I was prescribed tenactin of all things and sent on my way. I wonder if it had nothing to do with a yeast infection and everything to do with surrender. Maybe that is what my whole life is supposed to be about. God, I hope I can figure out how to live in submission and surrender. That is my heart cry.

October is breast cancer awareness month...if you have breasts...check them out or have your spouse do it if you are married.

Inner-personal relationships

I actually don't even know what that term means, but once when Daniel and I were getting ready to part for the big world of mission life somebody told us that Inner-personal relationships and conflict was/were going to be our biggest obstacle. When that person told us that I thought that "inner-personal" meant like conflict within myself and I was like "yup! I got a lot of that going on!" Because seriously...I battle with myself constantly. Then upon coming to the field Daniel and I battle each other a lot so then I thought that maybe she meant that?? I don't know...then after a while I asked Dan what he thought she meant and he said that he thought it meant like one on one relationships with people. Like with those we work closely with...so maybe it means that. I don't know, but I think it all comes down to surrender and obedience. If we (me) are willing to listen and honor God with the WHOLE of our lives then maybe it doesn't have to be such a struggle.

African men

We don't really see them much. That is really a broad statement, and I hate generalizing...but they simply aren't around. By the time African men are out of high school they are gone. Gone to the "big" city to find work or to find their lives but they are not here. So where are they? They are in their houses,they are in the ground, they are in the bars, they are in the wilderness they are wherever...whatever; so today when I spent all day with 3 young 20 something African men who love God, and spent their entire Saturday leading the kids from the soup clubs in games and in worship, I was much pleased. They came from the Bible school (which we are affiliated) and played and prayed and led and taught...it was amazing. I was so blessed to be around such Godly men. Afterward we took these guys to lunch and they were so sweet and open to answer some of our questions. I asked about growing up in South Africa and what it was like for them now that they have "denounced" the traditional part of their culture (witchcraft, herbal healing, ancestor sacrifice) and they were so candid. They said that most Africans believe in God. "There is no excuse" they said but throughout time they have been taught that they are not good enough to talk directly to Him so their ancestors must run interference for them and so the rituals and witchcraft came into being. They then went on to tell me their passion about Jesus and how He is the only way and how we must work together to share the truth because these people (their people) must hear it before Christ will come back. Yup...I was pretty excited about that convo. Yes indeed.