kristiapplesauce

lessons from the road.

We have been down this road. This long, deep, twisted, arched road and I am not quite done with it yet because maybe somewhere inside of me I think it still has lessons to teach me. I think we are all connected and somehow tied together making this life more specular, more special, more sensational with every person that comes in and who steps out.

When I first met him, he was picking her up after she and I were at some youth function – teaching a bunch of students. She was so excited about her new relationship with this guy and had been going on and on about him for the whole week. As we approached the church where he was going to pick her up, she told me that I might get see him with his “new hair” as it had been recently growing back in. It was then I realized I was getting more then I had originally bargained for because she was already falling madly in love with this guy and I was in deep friendship with her and so our paths crossed that day.

I shook hands with him, and she was right. He was super tall and super cute. I don’t think he noticed me at all though because he didn’t take her eyes off of her for one second. They were amazing together. For the next few weeks, maybe months I didn’t hear much from her because she was in love and what I did hear - it was about him. I was so happy for them both.

When the wedding invitation arrived I was ecstatic. We had been praying for them for so long. Praying for her, praying for him.

The wedding was intense and spectacular. It was intimate and she was stunning. Again, he only was watching her. 

We all were.

He was a little weak that night, so for the ceremony they sat facing us and it was like we were invited to an evening at their home. A family affair. It was something I had never experienced before and I am quite sure I will never do so again. Something so intimate and beautiful. It was perfect.

He was just starting his new round of treatment and so it was reeking havoc on his body.As a massage therapist I asked if I could help in anyway ease any of the discomfort or strain since I was in town; even though they were just newly married and so that was the first time I had spent any real time with him. That was maybe day 3 of their marriage.

The second and maybe third times were when he was admitted to the hospital and there were tubes and wires. As a therapist we are taught only to touch our clients with our hands, but he wasn’t able to lie down, so I had to brace him with my body and massage him with my hands. He was so strong. We prayed and he fell asleep. Several times he was awakened or alerted by a beep of the machine or by a nurse or a doctor but he responded with love. Love, and more love. I probably only stayed for a couple hours as I knew I couldn’t really massage him anyways; all I was doing was undoing some of the tension and possibly bringing some moisture back because he was so dehydrated.

A few short and beautiful months after their wedding he died. I was supposed to drive again to Kansas City to see them but the day before I was to go, I called the hospital and the nurse told me that she and their family had gone home. I knew.

I think sometimes of the amazing people that have come in and out of my life and how with some, I take totally for granted and others I absolutely understand the gift they are. I hope that as tomorrow comes, I receive and give to everyone I see and meet. I hope my whole life is wrapped up in love and that I never again loose sight of what I am here for.

To love and to be loved.

Marriage

I think I grew up in a bubble. Although I am 31 and spent most of my growing up years in Las Vegas - I still think that world was somewhat bubble like. I can tell you stories of our friends doing drugs and neighbors having gambling addictions. I can tell about how one of my sisters friends got shot and how she practically lived with us one year because she didn't have anywhere else to go. I can tell you about how so many of my friends would come over and go swimming and how my mom would talk them through "girl stuff" or stay up late with them because they didn't have parents. I can tell you about how we had a police station at our high school because of violence and the crazy that happened there. But whatever. None of it really prepared me for the crazy and heartache I would experience as an adult.

In the last few years we have had in our immediate circle, 5 families go through adulteress situations. Every time I get an email or phone call of such a relationship I am torn once again into a million pieces. What is happening? I was not prepared for this. I might be naive in writing this and as I experience my friends go through this; on the outside looking in - praying for them...I have no answers. All I can do is pray and pray and pray and pray.

Daniel and I know that we are not immune to such a thing and we ask people all the time to pray for us and help keep us accountable if they see any questionable behavior or insights so we might be able to catch sin before it starts. But as I am smack in the middle of praying for a few peeps who are trying to piece back their lives- I came across two incredible stories of restoration and hope and health and leadership and so much more then that - that was stolen.

Please go here (parts 2-5 are on her blog) and here (lesson 3) and read and listen to be encouraged.

Please know if ever you need prayer for your marriage or for anything else, we will pray for you. I may not have anything else to offer, but I can certainly pray for you.

Really cool people.

Close to the last day with the last team that was here - we did this really cool exercise. After dinner, we all went around the big wooden table and when it was whose ever turn it was we gave one word to honor or describe that person in love. It was really a cool experience. Before we started it though, our Pastor kicked it off with a small speech about how in our society it is so easy to tear people down and see the negative in people's lives. How we criticize and say sarcastic remarks way sooner then we praise and love and honor those we know the best. He challenged us and made me think of how I don't particularly go out of my way to give praise or encouragement to people. I don't necessarily lift up people around me when I see it...maybe I just take them or the situations for granted and that is shameful. I was reminded of this circle/praise-love-a-thon we did just today when I heard of two different families totally rocking their finances.

I know that I may get in trouble for putting this on my blog; so please forgive me peeps if I am offensive but I can't not talk about these people.

One family is preparing for the mission field and while raising funds have come into some debt. So they have decided to support another family with the funds that have been raised until they are debt free and are now focusing on paying off those bills. Amazing! The second family I heard about came into some money and is taking care of their debt and even put some into savings. A new beginning for them. I am so proud of both of those families and of the way they are honoring God with what they have been given. Circumstance and talents.

Sad but true; so many times I see the negative before I see the fab...but clearly these two families are taking care of business and are encouraging me even by their simple acts of obedience. Really...what an accomplishment.I think that we all need to look at the people in our lives and see how we can encourage and love and express honor to those around us rather then tear down. Seriously...I know I need to be reminded of that. All the freakin time.

So if you have anything positive you would like to say about anybody...please feel free.

Not quite right

About 10 years ago I went to visit a close friend that I had known since jr. high. Our friendship was based on summer camps and phone calls. I had been to her house for parties and sleepovers. I knew her parents and her boyfriend. They married right after high school. We didn’t live in the same state so I couldn’t go – but I sent some love and remembered the invite being artsy and fabulous…just like them.

 

When I arrived at their sweet, little, first home - house, it seemed like things weren’t like I had remembered them. Not with her, not with us, not with them. I had “grown up” watching them develop their adolescent romance into a love affair and had seen them both mature into amazing adults who I both admired and trusted. I adored them. I absolutely adored them. She (up till then) was one of my closest friends but now, it was different. It was weird and it was cold. It wasn’t one pinpoint thing I could grasp, rather it were several that made the trip uncomfortable for me. They were watching movies I was uncomfortable with, they were using language I was uncomfortable hearing and they were engaging in activities I was uncomfortable being around. Something had changed.

 

This girl and I after that 10 year ago now visit totally lost touch as sometimes close friends do. We wrote and emailed a few times but then - it was gone. About a year later I received a sporadic email (that I was cc into) that explained her moving across the world to pursue other things. Apparently after they got married he started beating the snot out of her and after some other horrible things she filed for divorce.

 

I don’t know much about anything, but I know about love and I love my friend. I loved her then and I love her now. I don’t know why she has been in and out of my mind these last few whatevers, but I have been praying for her and I hope she has found resolution, healing, and hope in all this crazy. The second thing that has been popping through my consciousness is I wonder how many people have come in and out of my life and have seen or experienced things “just not right”? I don’t know if I could said or done or offered anything to either one of them when I went for that visit and I certainly didn’t see any evidence of abuse, but it was uncomfortable. I wonder and hope that if ever people see or experience things just not right in my life they will speak up and help us, or that maybe I will have the discernment and strength and love to speak up when I see it in theirs.

The journey shared

I was totally hurt by those words. I overheard them say to somebody "No I don't read her (referring to me) blog because she wrote once that she hates Christians and since I am one I was offended." I didn't jump into the conversation and I didn't defend myself, but I was hurt. I was hurt because that post was totally not about hating Christians - it was not about hating anybody. It a tongue in cheek reference about throwing stones (John 8:7) and really it was about my own judgment and frustrations about the skin I am in and how I blame and point my fingers when really I am the one who is in desperate need of forgiveness and the healing power of His mighty Salvation time and time and time again.

So then yesterday I was reading Pete's blog about who we dismiss (in society) and he was referencing a crackhead prostitute (it is an amazing story), and I thought about who in my life I dismiss. I was totally convicted by that question. Because it isn't the prostitutes or the destitute. It isn't the hungry or the needy. It isn't those without clothes or homes. It is the ones who I feel blame and judge and point fingers and decide who are worthy. It is the people like me.

I have been so upset and frustrated and hurt by the words that have been spoken to and about me (not just the words above but so many others), but what I have been failing to realize is that I haven't been loving or surrendering (wholeheartedly surrendering) these things or these people back to the one who calls us to LOVE. Why do I do that? Why do I always try to do this on my own? We are meant to take this journey shared and it might not be about being BFF's with every single person, but when we choose to dismiss or hold a grudge - it holds us back from experiencing the wholeness and the grandiose power of Love that He has in store for us.

Shame on me.

Vulnerable

There have been many times in the past 5 plus years of marriage that Daniel and I have struggled, battled, fought and let the sun go down on our anger. We have been selfish and mean. We have put our own ambitions before the other persons needs and forced our beliefs or ideas of "right" upon the other. Yup, we suck at being married sometimes.

So the other day one of my prayer peeps (who totally rocks) emailed and asked how she could pray for us. I said (and I quote):

"Daniel and I are really in a good place right now, so if you could pray that our marriage would continue to stay healthy and grow closer to the Lord (he leading, me submitting and paying attention to his needs) that would rock. I also would love to partner with you as we are planning on bringing more people on staff this year that our marriage would be safe from any outside temptation or sin. That our eyes would be protected and our desire would be for one another."

Her response was:

"I will be praying for you, about all of this.  It is hard for me to believe you and Daniel would struggle, you seem to appreciate and respect and genuinely like each other, which seems rare to me.  But then, I know it is usually our own junk that Satan uses against us and it rarely has anything to do with the spouse."

So then it made me wonder…. (I also talked to Daniel about this), and we both feel that we are no different then anybody else. We don’t want to put out a false front, but I wonder if people think of us in a certain way - a projection or something because we are on the mission field and in full time ministry position.  We absolutely love one another and try to put God and our marriage first. It sometimes doesn’t seem like it because we act like complete lunatics and sometimes we fight more then we honor and love one another…but we are working on it and that is why I asked for prayer.  We want to keep focused and alert and aware, so not to “fall” into sin within our marriage, and so that is why I asked for prayer.

I think so many times I have kept it a secret that we have been fighting or that we needed outside wisdom or help because we are private people…but in reality, it would have been beneficial for us to work with others and to have the backup of people who have been there before. I don’t think that this journey we are all on should be taken alone. Maybe we shouldn’t broadcast everything for everyone to know and gossip about…but why is everything such a secret? For us, when we have some key people there to pray and help us along, it always seems to go a lot smoother.

I always welcome prayer and I will always pray for people and the relationships they are in. I know that when Daniel and I are fighting I am barely able to get any work done and I am pretty certain I am least effective for the kingdom of God when I am like that…..let alone who I need to be for my groom.  So Anywho, I don’t even know why I feel compelled to write this other then to say that I think relationships are hard and I think we all need a little back up every now and again.

 

those.

I used to think and believe the lie I was alone; all by myself figuring this out - this mess of my life that I had made for myself and those around me who were stuck in the wake of my mess(es). But as I make the trek back and forth, back and forth across the ocean I realize over and over again that God has overwhelmed me with a life full of people. Some are seasoned friends and some are only here or there for a conversation...but they are HERE. Here and I am sad to say I have taken them for granted or have used or have looked over their shoulders trying to see if something more exciting was awaiting 5 minutes to the right or left. But nope. Not today. Today I am thankful. Today I am immersed in the people in my inbox and in my camera. Those who have shared a smile in line, those who are courageous enough to share in Monday Prayer and those who have already filled my prepaid cell phone with their numbers. Who would have thought my (our) life would have been this full? I have been so arrogant to want more. More then this when God has given me just what I needed and I am so thankful. I am thankful for the guy who let me go first on the on-ramp; I am thankful for my parents and family who celebrated my birthday (again) yesterday; I am thankful for kisses and handshakes. I am thankful for the peeps at Panera and Starbucks who work so hard. I am thankful for Nozake who is working in SA when we are here. I am thankful for early conversations with woman who used to be in the singles ministry. I am thankful for my nephew and niece who say "good morning" and "night". I am thankful for the lady at the post office who remembered me. I am thankful for the students in the youth group who still remember our the time we shared. I'm thankful for blog peeps and for ideas of how we all believe in something bigger. I am thankful dentists who are interested in international mishaps and how to fix them. I am thankful for strangers who love orphans and hungry kids and how they sacrifice everything to feed them. I am thankful for a girl who I met once when a band was playing and now she is changing the world. I am thankful for people who let us sleep at their house or borrow their car when it is uncomfortable or uneasy. I am thankful when people are nice. I am thankful for people who build their new house so it will accommodate pregnant teens who might need help along the way. I am thankful for free counseling services. I am thankful for the men and woman who serve in the military who make it safe and possible for me to serve overseas. I am thankful for churches who support us and invite us to speak and share our journey. I am thankful for the lady at the thrift store who donated all those coats. I am thankful for our board of directors who make trusted decisions for us. I am thankful.  What an amazing life I get to live and I am so thankful that I get to share it with you.

Woman of dignity

A few days before we flew back to the States, we were in the Wild Coast - tying up some loose strings before we came here for a month and while at the CSP we met up with this woman. She is on the counsel (sort of like the elders of the village) and she came right up to me and took off that red handkerchief thing around her waist and put it around mine. I didn't know what it represented or why she was giving it to me, but I thanked her and tried to find a translator. I have seen many older, more esteemed woman wear these k'erchiefs but only in the rural areas. So through the translator, she told me that it represents a "woman of dignity" in the community; A place of honor; Somebody who is respected. So I immediately took it off as she was talking and thanked her again and promptly put it back on her waist and said that she is better suited to wear it then me.

Side note...

I was given another one of these beautiful red waist wraps about a month prior, but since it looks like something you put in your hair, I did just that. I put my hair up, and put the handkerchief around my pony. The ladies just laughed and took it out. They didn't address my faux pas...they just took it out and handed it back to me.

I love South Africa and I miss my peeps today.

seeing out

As a person who lives on support (the financial gifts of others to do work), it is sometimes a surreal experience to understand the financial crisis happening in America today.

But I actually get it. I do. We are able to read the news and we get emails and phone calls telling us all about the retirements being lost and all the jobs people are losing. It makes my heart hurt.

So in all of that and in all of the prayers for people and for the government to even out, I get an email for a friend of mine who desires to come and spend the summer serving here in South Africa. She sent out support letters asking for people to pray and also to ask for financial support.

Missionaries are only able to stay on the mission field with prayer backup and with financial support. In that order. So she emailed me the other day and said that only a few people had responded, but what really upset her was not the lack of money that came in, but rather the fact that people hadn't even sent back the self-stamped envelopes to say that they weren't able to pray or that they couldn't afford it. She was sad that they didn't even care. That even a note of encouragement was "too much" for them or whatever...they were "too busy" or too wrapped up to say anything to her. She and her mission letter, her self-addressed envelope was on the back of a counter, or in the trash somewhere - people not caring.

When did we stop caring for people?

So then I started thinking about the people I know. How many times have I even stopped to think about or pray about what God is asking me to do? Usually I just respond because I think it is the "right thing" or sad to say - I don't respond at all...because I am in my routine.

But what if God is not calling her to SA at this time? What if He was just asking her to prepare her heart to see if she was willing? Or what if God didn't need all those people to send in $20 or $50 but rather $2 and $5 and since people felt guilty they didn't do anything? What if all God really wanted was our obedient hearts and our openness to encourage and love rather then our checkbooks? Or what if He really is asking us not to buy another pair of flip flops or another carton of milk for ourselves and spend it on the things that really matter like helping that kid or that lady or inviting that person to lunch or to coffee who you know is hurting or who needs you to listen rather then monopolizing the conversation?

The other day I saw a man sifting through a garbage can for what I can only assume was for food and I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything at all. What was I supposed to do? Oh my gosh, inconvenience myself by making a Uturn and ask if he was hungry and invite him to lunch? Would I really feel comfortable driving him around in my shinny new truck? No, that isn't safe, so I could probably go buy something at the gas station and go give it to him. Maybe he wasn't looking for food. Maybe he was looking for something else. Maybe he was what? Who am I fooling? The light changed, and I drove away to leave him with his garbage and me with mine.

Although I know we can't help every single person who "needs" our help, there are people who God puts into our paths at those special and beautiful moments and I know that - that guy was one of them. I totally missed my opportunity to love him. I have no idea how a gas station candy bar, sandwich and soda could have helped that man - but I am sad to say that I will never know.

In response

I am still getting emails and comments to this post...and it is quite frankly overwhelming. I got this the other day from a South African lady who somehow got connected to this blog of mine...

"...and also thanking God for someone like you who is willing to go to these people that the rest of the world has seemingly forgotten about and to be Jesus to them. And as a South African I think I can only imagine the things you must face, and I put myself in your position and I don't think I would be able to do it. So not to sound 'gushing' or overly complimentary but I feel compelled to thank you for what you are doing and I also thank God for you because I know it is Jesus in you reaching out to the lost and the dying."

My response:

"...thank you for your kind words and I think that you are probably selling yourself short...many people have written responses similar to yours and I think the same of theirs as well. I think we are all the same and that we are given just what we need when we need it. Strength, love, encouragement, comfort....so I don't think it is fair to doubt yourself or to build me up like that (even though I know it was from a pure heart) because there have been many, many, many times in my life that I have failed miserably in loving people...it is just now in this time in my life...with this groom by my side and his example of selfless living and honor and dignity it is somehow the time to surrender and obey and I know in my heart of hearts that I should have been living like this all along...but well, now maybe I can stop being such a hypocrite."

I honestly believe that. I think that for whatever reason we (me and Daniel) are here and are ready in our lives to serve and surrender and yes, the days are long and hard and we are compromised and misunderstood and we fight sometimes and we eat cereal every meal for 3 days and sometimes we don't get out of our pajama's but then when it's time to work...we work. Because it is (this life) all about surrender and obedience. I am sick and tired of wasting time on the stuff that matters not. People, they matter and I hope that everything I am can figure out how to love better...and this time with this lady who is dying, it wasn't a miracle that I figured out how to clean her and make her more comfortable. It was a miracle that God brought us together and we discovered one another because I know for a fact that she is teaching more about life then I could ever teach or bestow upon her.