kristiapplesauce

Good Morning

I was just thinking about His radiance and how nothing really compares and how I don't even have the right words or even the appropriate attitude and even though sometimes I am a mess and sometimes I scream and act like a lunatic and sometimes I don't know who I am or what I am doing and sometimes my whole world is in disarray and sometimes the laundry and dishes are piled up for miles and sometimes I just want to sleep for days; He loves me to the moon and beyond because He gives me mornings likes these and tells me everything will be okay and that He loves me still.

Yes Lord, I will follow.

fastlane

I never said I was very good at telling time. Nope...not me. So last night as I was praying and reading - I decided to fast this morning...not anything super spiritual...just a little re-focus and re-evaluation. So this morning I got up, got distracted by all the crazy, la la and started my day. I tried really hard to get some reading and prayer in there but all the stuff kept crowding in. So I shuffled some stuff, decided to have quality time with my family and would have my quiet time later. After all that when I went upstairs to iron my clothes and take a shower I was super excited because the clock said 2.30 - wow! Where did the day go? But whatever...time to eat. I fixed lunch and coffee only to sit down and see that another clock said 12:something...not my time to eat. Dang. What? The microwave clock was set on a timer. So I thought..."No biggie, just throw it away and eat later...your heart was in the right place." But right as I was throwing my lunch out...I took one more bite. Oh snap. I hate when I act like that. I know that I am not going to get sent to the pits of hell for eating one more bite of the best tasting poptart ever. But seriously...I am pretty sure at that point it was about self control.

Unthinkable.

As I was writing my last post, thinking how funny and stupid my life has been (at times) I got a call from my Groom and he told me that a baby who we saw the last time we were in Bukwini (the village we have the CSP in) has died. Just like that. We won't see her again. We won't have another opportunity to bring that family food for her. She is gone. This little perfect baby is dead. I don't even know really what to think at this point because I am swamped at the emotions flooding me. I am packing up my whole freaking life at the moment. Packing up my house to move, packing up my stuff to come to America, packing up my emotions because today I said goodbye to all my Community Care Workers and now this. THIS. Really. Really God?? Are you serious? Because I know you are God and I know I am NOT but are you going to keep allowing this crap to keep happening because I don't know how strong I can be. Really, I don't. I am not ready for these kids that I love to keep dying and starving and being ripped apart by this disease and by something that is so preventable. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Am I going to get on a plane and say goodbye for 2 months and return to the same people or will more be in the ground when I return back? Do I need to go back and say goodbye to them for good because they may not be here when I get back? I don't think I can handle that. Really God. I don't think I can do that. Please guide me, make me more then what I am...because in this state, I am loosing my mind. I didn't even know her name. She was so little. So little and perfect.

Someone to follow...last part I promise.

There really is something magnificent and majestic about the African sky. As I was studying and reading...pondering all this week on the Psalm 23 I kept thinking about the mornings here and then wondering what mornings will be like in Heaven. My small and insignificant mind can't really comprehend that...but as I was reading some things popped out at me.

You hold my future.
Your Faithful Love.
robed with JOY....(when was the last time any of us was "robed" with joy?)
Filled with abundance.
He leads me.

"The LORD is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff —they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD as long as I live "

*I read the Holman Christian Standard Bible. All passages are taken from there.

Someone to follow (part 3/3)

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
    You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.  

6 Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
    and I will dwell in  the house of the LORD
    as long as I live.

oil:
Psalm 92:10 "You have lifted up my horn like that of a wild ox; I have been anointed with oil."

overflows:
Psalm 16:5 "LORD, You are my portion and my cup of blessing; You hold my future."

life:
Psalm 25:7 "Do not remember the sins of my youth or my acts of rebellion; in keeping with Your faithful love, remember me because of Your goodness, LORD."

Psalm 109:21 "But You, GOD my Lord, deal kindly with me because of Your name; deliver me because of the goodness of Your faithful love."

live:

Psalm 27:4-6 "I have asked one thing from the LORD; it is what I desire: to dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, gazing on the beauty of the LORD and seeking Him in His temple.For He will conceal me in His shelter in the day of adversity;He will hide me under the cover of His tent; He will set me high on a rock. Then my head will be high above my enemies around me; I will offer sacrifices in His tent with shouts of joy. I will sing and make music to the LORD."

*I read the Holman Christian Standard Bible. All passages are taken from there.

Someone to follow (part 2/3)

3  He renews my life;
    He leads me along the right paths
    for His name's sake.

 

4 Even when I go through the darkest valley,
    I fear no danger,
    for You are with me;
    Your rod and Your staff  —they comfort me.

sake:

Psalm 5:8 "LORD, lead me in Your righteousness, because of my adversaries; make Your way straight before me."

Proverbs 4:11 "I am teaching you the way of wisdom; I am guiding you on straight paths."

me:

Isaiah 43:2 "I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and [when you pass] through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you."

me:

Micah 7:14 "Shepherd Your people with Your staff, the flock that is Your possession.
    They live alone in a scrubland, surrounded by pastures. Let them graze in Bashan and Gilead
    as in ancient times."

*I read the Holman Christian Standard Bible. All passages are taken from there.

Someone to follow (part 1/3)

The other day I woke up praying Psalm 23. It isn't unusual for me to wake up praying...as I usually start my day with prayer, but it kinda caught me off guard to have scripture in my head that early in the morning. So I dug a little deeper and the following is what I found:

    1 The LORD is my shepherd;
    there is nothing I lack.

    2 He lets me lie down in green pastures;
    He leads me beside quiet waters.

Shepherd:

 Psalm 78: 52 "He led His people out like sheep and guided them like a flock in the wilderness."

Jeremiah 31:10 "Nations, hear the word of the LORD, and tell it among the far off coastlands! Say: The One who scattered Israel will gather him. He will watch over him as a shepherd guards his flock,"

Ezekiel 34:11-13 "For this is what the Lord GOD says: See, I Myself will search for My flock and look for them. As a shepherd looks for his sheep on the day he is among his scattered flock, so I will look for My flock. I will rescue them from all the places where they have been scattered on a cloudy and dark day. I will bring them out from the peoples, gather them from the countries, and bring them into their own land. I will shepherd them on the mountains of Israel, in the ravines, and in all the inhabited places of the land."

John 10:11"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.

lack:

Psalm 34:9-10 "Fear the LORD, you His saints, for those who fear Him lack nothing.Young lions lack food and go hungry, but those who seek the LORD will not lack any good thing."

Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

pastures:

Psalm 65:11-13 "You crown the year with Your goodness; Your ways overflow with plenty.The wilderness pastures overflow, and the hills are robed with joy. The pastures are clothed with flocks,and the valleys covered with grain.They shout in triumph; indeed, they sing."

Ezekiel 34:14" I will tend them with good pasture, and their grazing place will be on Israel's lofty mountains. There they will lie down in a good grazing place; they will feed in rich pasture on the mountains of Israel."

waters: 

Psalm 36:8 "They are filled from the abundance of Your house; You let them drink from Your refreshing stream,"

*I read the Holman Christian Standard Bible. All passages are taken from there.

Purge

I have been reading the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning and there are so many good tidbits in it. One being this:

"The evil one is the great illusionist. He varnishes the truth and encourages dishonesty. ' If we say, We have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us.' (1 John 1:8). Satan prompts us to give importance to what has no importance. He clothes trivia with glitter and seduces us away from what is real. He causes us to live in a world of delusion, unreality, and shadows." (page 130)

I have been thinking about this and convicted and done with the whole glitter and shadows thing. Why would any of us chose to live like that? Seriously. Done. So much of my life is like that though. Shinny. Shinny. I am pulled from one exciting thing to the next, only to be disappointed by the lack of luster the "next great thing" ushered into my life. Not only with stuff, but also with relationships and to be completely honest, myself. I want or desire more from myself and promise to others things that I am unable or incapable of delivering. Why do we promise such things? Probably because we are so unsatisfied with the day-to-day and bored with reality that we want more. But you see the stark reality that our hope and desires and masterpiece only lies with the Father because He is the only one who can fulfill us and until we (I) get that settled within our spirits and heart of hearts the glitter is always going to pull us into the shadows.

Who am I? Who was I, who do I want to be?

I just saw this video, maybe you already have…but when I watched it I just sobbed. Maybe because it reminded me that I haven’t changed at all from that girl, or maybe it is because I have. God has delivered me from that deep dark place and all those lies and all those hidden places and secrets that we keep secure. I still don’t know if I am the right person for this job but I will keep trying to face the Cross in all that I am and all that we do. I have said this a million times and I will keep saying it, that we are all the same…broken, jagged people in need of a Savior. I don’t know what your cardboard sign would read, but mine says: deceiver, deceived, divorced, broken, lost/ RESTORED, RENEWED, QUALIFIED, HEALED, FOUND.

Produce

"You'll recognize them by their fruit.  Are grapes gathered from thorn-bushes or figs from thistles?

In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a bad tree produces bad fruit.

A good tree can't produce bad fruit; neither can a bad tree produce good fruit.

Every tree that doesn't produce good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

So you'll recognize them by their fruit." -Matthew 7:16-20

When I come to live, give me Jesus. When I come to die, give me Jesus. Give me Jesus. Is there anything else? God, please. Lord, is there any fruit on my tree? I see branches and I see stripped away, barren earth next to the dried up roots. I am seeking, searching, needing satisfaction from you. Please look into my heart. Please find the heart of worship. I am sorry Lord for the things I have made it. But it is all about you Lord Jesus. Is there anything else? Lord, recognize me by my fruit Lord. Please replenish my tree. Refresh this body back to restoration, refinement, renewal. It is all about you. Jesus. Wholly yours. Holy yours.